I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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