i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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