Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
