overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
