If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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