The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
