i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
