Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
