all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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