Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
