we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
