i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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