Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the condom got lost in my hair
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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