woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
