meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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