She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
