So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
