Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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