don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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