I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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