I am in a vortex of obligation.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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