By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
