Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize