Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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