He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
