i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize