Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
