I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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