Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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