Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
