After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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