Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.