Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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