o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
