I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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