i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
