Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
