Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
