I'm eating all of the evidence.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
