I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
