I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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