I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
