Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
