Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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