saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
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Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.