He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
