last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
