I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
