You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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