I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize