My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
