You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
