my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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