I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the raccoons are back...
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