im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
