I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
