i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
